Ninja Level Fail? More like God Mode!

Chaos Boy reporting from a remote secret location…

A few days ago, Danger Puppy posted about my epic fail while birthday shopping. It’s true that I purchased a Dooney and Bourke bag to add to her growing collection (she isn’t quite the Imelda Marcos of Dooney, but she’s working on it). I was careful enough to have it shipped to my lair so she wouldn’t see it and everything. As soon as I clicked “Complete Order” I realized that my D&B account is linked to HER email. She got the email confirmation.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Oh well, one more gifting surprise ruined (as she noted, I had done the exact same thing last year for Christmas).

Or, was it?

What she didn’t know was that the week before, I had also purchased a purple iPod Nano to go with it. She had been ogling my iPod ever since I got it and I figured she would want one. My AppleID is NOT linked to her email. MUAHAHAHAHA!   :{D

I allowed Danger Puppy to wallow in her super smartitude calling me the unstealthiest ninja ever.

When she opened her bag and saw the iPod slipped in the inside pocket of it, she squealed with delight!

That’s right, bitches. I am the Sensei (which is Japanese for HMFWAIC) of the Elite Diversionary Tactics Squad of Super Ninjas.  You may THINK you see me coming, but you’d better check your six!

God Mode activated

Happy Anniversary, Chaos Boy!

So today is our 4th wedding anniversary (pause for applause…thank you – please be seated). We had a lovely lunch at our favorite spot where we enjoyed some wine and even cake. Huzzah! 

Why, you may ask, would a wild girl like Danger Puppy have even married nerdy Doctor Chaos Boy? Let me direct your attention to Exhibit A (okay, it’s the only exhibit):

Ten minutes ago in the parking lot at 7-11 (pronounced “sebben lebben”)

CB: So what do you want? A Karen Carpenter?

DP: <laughing> Yep.

He totally pulled that one out of his ass, but I knew right away that “Karen Carpenter” was Chaos-Speak for “diet suicide.” 

And now you understand.

 

Cheat Day

BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEPP! This is a special blog entry.

CB Reporting from onsite at IHOP…

Don’t fucking judge us; today is cheat day, and we had the Simple & Fit Whole Wheat Pancakes with Blueberries.

F.U. Strong letter to follow.

<Dude walks in with Chick wearing last night’s impossibly short shorts>

And yes, Dr. Cooper, by “impossibly” I mean “improbably.”

STOP JUDGING ME!

aaaaaaaand scene …

DP: Wow. Just wow.

CB: Yeah, I’m pretty sure breakfast was part of the negotiation for a full night rate.

Chick: I think I’ll have the oatmeal.

Dude: No. You should get something with meat that will get you all full. I don’t want you to eat all my peanut butter

DP: Seriously? The best thing is that he wasn’t worried that she’d eat all the food he had. He was worried about his peanut butter. Clearly, all he HAS is peanut butter!

Chick:  DUDE!

(yes, she really addressed him as “Dude”)

Chick: We should TOTALLY give blood!

Dude: I don’t think ANYONE wants our blood – especially after last night.

Chick: Noooooo. They give you free movie tickets if you give blood.

Dude: I’ve never heard of that. I don’t think that’s true.

Chick: It’s totally true. I have a friend and she was telling me about it. She gave blood and asked “Hey, do you have any of those free movie tickets?” and they said “Yeah, I think we still have some of those.” It’s REAL, but they don’t advertise, so you have to ask for them.

The best part of all this, is that IHOP now offers entertainment! Pancakes AND a show! What could be better?

Of course, Danger Puppy was washing her cute little paws when this all went down, so I had to relay all this to her.

DP: Now I don’t feel so bad about rolling pennies to buy beer in college. Forget selling plasma. If you’re trading blood for movie tickets, you are seriously broke as hell. She’s gonna hate that bus ride of shame back home (cause we all know she don’t have a damn car).”

I EFFING LOVE CHEAT DAY!

Ninja Level FAIL

Danger Puppy’s best friend, Kat, can’t keep a secret to save her life, a fact Chaos Boy LOVES to point out. Last year, Kat swore Chaos Boy to secrecy about a visit she was planning only to later tell Danger Puppy all about it anyway. But she tries. And she knows her limitations. Unlike some people.

Today Danger Puppy received an unexpected email from Dooney & Bourke (did I just hear angels singing?) containing an order confirmation. Now, Danger Puppy doesn’t take Ambien (although she did pop a flexeril at bedtime last night), so she probably wasn’t sleep-shopping (It’s a thing, y’all. Google that shit!). But she was on dooney.com (cue angels) earlier today looking at their new line of Pearly Python bags (and drooling – don’t judge). So when the aforementioned email arrived DP’s warm little puppy heart nearly stopped. Let’s go now to a recording taken from Danger Puppy’s brain at the moment of email impact:

WTF? I just got an email from Dooney like an hour ago. Oh wait. That says “Your dooney.com Order Confirmation.” Oh shit! OMFG! What did I do? Please tell me I did not accidentally buy a $468 bag. <clicks to open> “Thank you for shopping with Dooney & Bourke.” Oh shit. I did. <scrolls down, sees husband’s name, is still afraid because she always uses his information for online shopping, sees shipping address is Chaos Boy’s lair/office, nearly pees pants laughing>

That’s right, folks. Someone bought a bag (NOT the $468 one – whew!). I won’t say who, but his initials are “C.B.” and had it shipped to himself because someone thinks he’s ‘neaky. That someone would be wrong. He is hilariously NOT ‘neaky (except for that secret trip to Hawaii last year – mad props for that one!). He is without question the unstealthiest ninja. What’s even better is that he’s done the exact same thing before.

Let this story be a lesson to you all. No matter how together someone seems on the outside, you can bet he has a flaw. Sorry ladies. Danger Puppy already snagged the one guy whose flaw is buying her stuff.

Danger Puppy’s Words of Wisdom

While we’re waiting for Chaos Boy to man up and tell his story, I thought I’d pass on some sage advice to make your next vacation, business trip, or wait at the DMV that much more fun.

When someone you’re fairly certain you’ll never see again asks what you do for a living, LIE. Stay with me here. I know it sounds lame, but that’s because you lack imagination. Don’t worry. I’m here to help. I’m about to inspire the pants off of you.

Chaos Boy and I took a short cruise this summer (it was sort of an appetizer to the longer cruise we took Winky on a few weeks later). We had decided to play a little game. (For those of you familiar with my games, this predates “Fuck the Next Guy,” which is an elevator game and surprisingly has nothing to do with sex.) We agreed that if anyone asked us what we do for a living we would lie. But the lie couldn’t be something boring. Well, out of all the people we met over the course of the long weekend, only one person asked me. And my answer was (without cracking a smile): I lead ghost tours in Old Town San Diego. You would have thought I told her I was Ed McMahon there to give her a freaking check! Clearly, she was a true believer (in both ghosts and my lie). Of course, Chaos Boy couldn’t contain himself (typical) and started giggling. Ever the actor, I covered by saying he doesn’t believe in ghosts and threw in that he has no soul. Of course, that made him laugh harder. (Seriously, Chaos Boy! Get your shit together before we play this game again!) Naturally the woman was so charmed by me that she never asked my soulless companion what he does for a living. He was sad that he never got to try on his new profession as the owner of a crime scene cleanup service. Serves him right for laughing!

So there’s your charge, friends. Lie and lie mightily. Keep is interesting. And report back here. I want details, people. Details!

Dolla’ Dolla’ Bill, Y’all

Our ginger friend (yes, some gingers have friends), Sir Cheeto the Wise, said last night via Facebook that he was longing to hear of our latest adventures. And we’d love to tell Sir Cheeto and the rest of you all about them…if only there had been any adventures in the past week. You see, Chaos Boy has an alter ego: Doctor Boy. And Doctor Boy has a j-o-b. He’s forced take off his super duper One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish pajamas and put on grown up clothes (he does at least wear colorful shirts) and go to work where he waves his magic engineering wand (not that one!) and get shit done. He’s gotta hustle that stack money. Which is good because Danger Puppy loves money. And kittens. And long walks on the beach.

Chaos Boy did have a solo adventure (again, not that kind) Sunday night involving a Car-Supposed-2-Go. Maybe if enough people are interested (hint: leave a comment!) he’ll share the tale that led Danger Puppy to say, “Thank God you’re pretty.”

Mystery Solved?

We had just dropped Winky (yes, she’s a house elf) off at school this morning and were on our way to Chaos Boy’s lair/office when…

CB: Ooo! Seahorse! (A decorative one on a house, not lying in the road. This isn’t Spongeturd NoPants!)

DP: I never noticed that before. But I’m usually driving when I come through here. I’m too busy watching out for crazies so I don’t die.

CB: And you’re too busy watching out for Joe when I’m driving. (“Joe” is what I say when I see a pedestrian, usually a jaywalker. When startled, I talk about as well as a dog with a mouthful of peanut butter. I had to find a go-to word to blurt out.)

DP: I have a serious fear of hitting a pedestrian or a cyclist. They just come out of nowhere.

<Ten minutes later, texting Chaos Boy from the Dog House>

DP: Almost hit a pedestrian. :0

CB: Oh no! Poor puppy. Damn you, Joe!

DP: Saw her at the corner. Thought she was something covered with a blue trash bag. Nice poncho, bitch!

CB: Oh wow.

DP: In other news, Tom (our neighbor) is apparently musical. I saw him loading a keyboard in his car.

CB: Wow, multitalented. Brewmaster, golfer, moosical. Man of mystery.

DP: Guess we know who was burying bodies the other night.

CB: Yup.

That’s it right there. THAT is why we’re married.