That’s Just What I Douche!

Some months ago, I (Danger Puppy) gave Chaos Boy mad shit because of something really douchey he said to me in a text message. I had filled my BevMo (if you don’t know what that is, I’m so sorry for you) virtual shopping cart with a couple hundred dollars worth of various wines for Chaos Boy to pick up on his way home from work. It was the 5 cent sale where you buy one bottle and get the 2nd for a nickel, so I had gone a little cray-cray. Chaos Boy was at work (because somebody has to make some money to pay for wine) when he got the email from BevMo telling him what I’d ordered. (Did I mention that you order what you want online that is available at your local store and go pick it up in an hour without having to go find all the wine yourself? It’s brilliant!) Anywho, after he read the list of some things we’d bought before and some we hadn’t, he sent me what I contend is the most douchey text message ever to cross my Crackberry (yes, I still have one of those – don’t judge me): “I love a good Zin!”

Obviously, me being the kind of puppy that I am, I have given him hell about this ever since. Imagine his excitement when he thought he caught me at the exact type of douchery yesterday.

A couple of days ago my BFF Kat posted a pic on her Facebook of a delightful looking cocktail she was enjoying:


It’s a delightful mix of Dove Chocolate Martini Mix, Atomic Red Hot Vodka, and Half & Half (with her super gorgeous tree in the background – I’m beginning to suspect she may be Santa). Very festive! A conversation ensued about what her friends were drinking. (I was only drinking water. That’s important for you to know.) Can you spot the douchery?


Now, if you’re dumb and your initials are “C.B.” you might think I’m the douche here. I would argue that I am, in fact, a bitch not a douche. Becky (look. at. her. butt.) is the douchey one for using a regional Spanish name for Tempranillo (unless she is a master sommelier in which case I bow to her for her accomplishment) instead of just calling it what we peons call it. I, on the other hand, am 1) hilarious for using Chaos Boy’s douchey comment to point out someone else’s douchey comment, and b) really good at not-so-subtle only slightly veiled bitchiness.

Basically, I win. That’s just what I douche!

Of course, maybe I should have taken the advice of my other friend, The Mighty Zorn (and I paraphrase slightly here):

You don’t always have to go big or go home. Sometimes you should just go home.



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