Watching the news about the shootings at LAX, Chaos Boy and I have repeatedly had one of our standing orders affirmed: never speak to the media.
Having both spent a great deal of time in “Tornado Alley” we both know that in the event of a natural disaster, it’s always “Toothless Tom” or “Shoeless Sally” who makes it on the airwaves. Have you ever seen a prominent, well-spoken citizen of Little Rock interviewed when a tornado wiped out his home? No. Of course you haven’t. Is it because tornadoes only hit trailer parks? Or is it because you have to be a special kind of stupid to go on the air braless in your bathrobe when your hairbrush is clearly among the casualties?
That’s nothing compared with the worms who come out of the woodwork when there’s a mass shooting. Have you noticed that no one ever thought the guy from chemistry class (the one who was fascinated with gun powder and lead) would hurt anyone? Oh, sure. He was a loner. And his neighborhood was suspiciously free of cats. And bunnies. And squirrels. Be he seemed perfectly normal. And he wore a bitchin’ handmade fur coat.
Just once I want to see the interview with the school janitor who says, “He was a weird little fucker. I told my wife he was trouble. About twice a month I found him on the roof during recess using one of my brooms like a sniper rifle. It was only a matter of time.” Why has no one interviewed that guy?
You can be sure of one thing: you will never see Danger Puppy or Chaos Boy on the news (unless it’s for shameless self-promotion, which we’re totally good with).