Don’t Be That Guy

Danger Puppy here. Since the holiday party season will soon be upon us, I’m going to do a public service here and remind you all of a little cocktail party etiquette. (I know. No one asked me. Don’t read this if you don’t want to. Whatevs.)

1) Don’t be a D.R.I.P. That means no talk of Dieting, Religion, Illness, or Politics. Steer clear of those topics to avoid stepping on a conversational landmine. Ladies, “illness” includes childbirth stories. Please don’t tell those. Ever.

2) Limit your cocktails to 1 or 2 per hour always followed by a glass of water, and don’t drink on an empty stomach. This is especially important at the office holiday party. You don’t want to be “that guy.” Almost as important is that you do want to be sober enough to know how wasted “that guy” is so you can make fun of him at work the next day. Loudly.

3) Always dress appropriately for the venue, time of day, and occasion. It’s a sign of respect for your hosts (and yourself…and your date…and your parents…and your Kindergarten teacher). Better to be a bit overdressed than even a tad under.

4) If you don’t like something, offer a polite lie but don’t go overboard. If you say the corned beef and cabbage quiche Granny O’Malley served at her holiday brunch is “my absolute favorite,” Granny will serve it to you every chance she gets. And “Thank you. It’s so unique,” is a far better choice than “Oh my God! I love these,” when given a taxidermied squirrel dressed as Iron Man. Unless, of course, you’re hoping to get start a rodent Avengers collection. Because you will if you tell Uncle Murray how much you appreciate the craftsmanship of the tiny helmet.

5) There are only two acceptable gifts for the dreaded office/club gift exchange: liquor and/or food. You know this is true, just like everything else I say. Also, don’t be a cheapskate. Buy a gift that meets the maximum. But don’t go too overboard. You’ll look like a kiss-ass. And possibly a douche.

You know I’ve helped you. I’m a hero.

 

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