What The F#*k Are You Doing?

We had been married for 2 ½ years when we finally went on our honeymoon. Chaos Boy planned everything. I didn’t even know where we were going until he handed me my ticket at the airport after seating me at the wrong gate for 20 minutes to throw me off completely. (Ladies, if your man is taking you on a surprise trip and seats you at a gate for a flight to Dallas, just trust him.) When he handed me the boarding pass as we stood in line to get on the flight, I looked at it and was probably the most confused I’d ever been when I saw the destination: Hawaii!

What started out as an amazing surprise turned into a critical week in our marriage. We learned more about the way we communicate during that vacation than we had in all of the years together combined.

Scenario 1:

We went to Honolulu’s Chinatown on a Sunday afternoon. It was kind of late in the afternoon, and very few shops were open. Also, there were hookers in the parking garage. And business was good. We made a quick trip around a block, realized the only thing to do was watch the woman on the corner eat out of a trashcan, and decided to find something else to do. We made it back to the car dodging the johns in the garage and hightailed it out of there. As CB was pulling out onto a street to get out of the area, another driver made an erratic move. I (probably loudly) said, “What the fuck are you doing?” CB thought I was talking to him when I was really just yelling at the other driver.


1)      If Danger Puppy is in a car and someone does something shitty, she has to say something about it. It’s in her DNA.

2)      Chaos Boy obviously has a history of women (read “women” as “cuntly first wife”) shouting things like “what the fuck are you doing” at him. Chaos Boy learned that Danger Puppy find this horrifying and would never speak to him thusly. Because Danger Puppy is angelic.

Scenario 2:

We had just been to a cave where the spirits of the ancestors are said to reside. We were driving along the coast looking for a good snorkel spot. A couple of times I said things like, “That looks like a nice beach” or “There are a lot of people at that one.” Chaos Boy just kept driving. My little puppy mind was all awhirl. “Maybe he doesn’t want to snorkel after all.” The farther we drove the more sad and annoyed I became. Finally I asked, “Don’t you want to go snorkel?” He replied that he was just waiting for me to point out a place.


1)      I was being entirely too subtle. Instead of just asking directly for what I wanted I was hinting around, likely a defense mechanism I had picked up over years with other men. At some point I had stopped really saying what I wanted so I wouldn’t be told no. I learned that saying, “Stop the car! That’s the one! That’s the beach I want to stop at!” would get much better results.

2)      I learned that Chaos Boy is totally good with my saying outright what I think or want. He doesn’t want a woman of mystery. He wants his puppy

The experiences we had in Hawaii improved our communication by leaps and bounds. Our marriage was already happy and rock solid, but better communication never hurt any relationship. The next time we were in Hawaii we laughed and joked about the first time, and we definitely didn’t waste any time trying to find a place to snorkel. We knew right where we were going.


2 thoughts on “What The F#*k Are You Doing?

  1. I keep reading your blog.
    What the f@&k are you doing?
    Ok so I say “I had a great time hanging out, just chatting”
    Which is code for “are we going to get it on already?”

    Or I’ll say “it’s so nice to see you after a long day”
    Which is code for “are we going to get it on already cause I’m stressed & need your sweet lovin'”

    Or I’ll say “you look smashing in that outfit”
    Which is a thinly veiled message meaning ” let’s get naked”

    And who can forget my classic ambiguous message “I’d so love just to give you a hug right now” which roughy translates to “steak, followed by getting on. And I don’t mean maybe”.

    Keep the writing DP & CB!!

  2. CB here. You forgot my personal favorite: “You look tired, let me give you a back rub.” Which abandons all pretense.

    The #1 lesson to be learned here is that regardless of how Gay Adjacent I may be (likely the subject of a blog post some time during NaBloPoMo), I just don’t do subtle.

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