I Calls It Like I Sees It

Danger Puppy: Are you playing a game, writing a test, watching TV, and eating at the same time?

Chaos Boy: Yep. I’m multitasking. 

DP: More like uni-tasking while multi-fucking off. 

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Pretty Woman?

Chaos Boy cashed a check we got in the mail and gave me the money as he was leaving to teach class tonight. By “gave” I mean “tossed $500 in cash in my lap and walked away.” My response: “Now I know how a prostitute feels.” CB: “And a high class one because that’s well above the going rate.”

How do you get blood…I mean red wine…off of money?

Thanks, An Apology, And A PSA

First, we’d like to say a quick “Thank you!” to everyone reading our blog. Whether you’re a friend, family, or a stranger somewhere across the globe, we love having you join us here for some laughs. We’ve had readers from 5 continents this month. We’ve yet to crack South America or Antarctica. We’re not gonna lie: we’re seriously thinking about some fish related posts to court the penguin vote. 

Next, we’d like to offer an apology to one of our readers, Winky the House Elf. We weren’t even sure she was a reader until she came downstairs last night and said, “I just read your blog. Wow, Dad.” Much like myself, she didn’t think Chaos Boy should have told that story. Look at it this way, Winky: as long as he doesn’t start telling stories about us farting, it’s all good.

Finally (and completely unrelated) we would like to point out to the “cheftestant” on Top Chef who made “vegetable ceviche” a couple of weeks ago that what he really made was a slaw with a douche chaser. 

That is all.

Hmm…

What if all of the people you thought were stupid for saying “pacific” instead of “specific” were really just smarter than you and had a better vocabulary. Maybe “particular” + “specific” = “pacific.”

Nah. They’re just idiots.

Left To My Own Devices

Chaos Boy has an alter ego: Professor Awesome. When Professor Awesome is out doing his nocturnal knowledge spewing thing I, Danger Puppy, am free to get into trouble. Tonight “trouble” means “wine.” And when I get boozy, I tend to get muse-y. Here are some tidbits to improve your life:

1) If your kid is an asshole, it’s your duty as a parent to tell him/her. You can only model so much for your kids: some kids are thick. Showing is best, but telling is okay too.

2) If you’re angry with your significant other (because he put his umbrella in his t-shirt drawer?) and feel a fight brewing, take off your clothes. I dare you to see how long you can argue naked.

3) Pay close attention to the way your friends talk to you about other people. That’s exactly how they talk about you when you’re not around. 

4) Family is important, but so is your sanity. If someone is literally more trouble to you than he/she is worth, ask yourself whether he/she would be in your life at all if it weren’t for the blood your share. You’ll know what to do from there.

5) Turn your freaking headlights on when it’s rainy, foggy, or just not freaking light enough out for me to see your damn grey car.

6) Never take a chatty person hiking. 

7) There’s no shame in binge watching a show. In fact, lying on the couch like broccoli for two days watching an entire season of Bones is good for the soul.

8) Wine is like sex: it’s usually best when shared with someone…usually.

9) Not all lists have to have ten items.

🙂