Still Keepin’ It Real

A couple of definitions for you:

1) day drinking: what it sounds like; drinking before 5 PM, usually alone
2) cocktail hour: what wives of executives do; any time of day is acceptable

So it was hot in San Diego today. Damn hot. Like 90 degrees. And it’s not even May. (Note: this is not bitching. It’s “scene setting.”) Late in the afternoon, let’s say 4-ish, I remembered a bottle of white wine I’d stuck in the fridge a few weeks ago and never opened. Now, I ask you: is there anything more perfect on a hot day than super cold white wine? (Sit down, redneck. Nobody jumped your tractor.) So I opened it. And it was so damned refreshing that I’d killed the whole bottle two hours later when Chaos Boy & I sat down to dinner. I was so “refreshed,” in fact, that I had to go up and take a little (over an hour!) nap after I ate. I was so “refreshed” that I just left my plate of half-eaten food on the table. I was so “refreshed” that I slept through the entire “Spring Awakening” soundtrack playing on my phone.

When I did wake up and realize I’d better at least go put the leftover food away I found that the amazing hero, Chaos Boy, had already done it for me. Not wanting to be be outshone I immediately started loading the dishwasher. Just as I was finishing up:

CB: You didn’t have to do the dishes.

DP: I didn’t want you doing them. That’s not fair.

CB: Well, life’s not fair.

DP: Wait. You’re a white man in America. Are you sure life’s not fair?

Hehehe. I blame Cocktail Hour. 😉


Keepin’ It Real

Chaos Boy upon smelling a wine he’d just decanted: “Ooooo. I can tell we’re gonna like this one.”

DP: “Oh. Did you taste it?”

CB: “No, but I smelled it. I just love it when a wine smells buttery.”

DP: “Buttery? You mean like a Club Cracker? The wine smells of Keebler?”

CB: “YES!”

DP: “You’re a douche.”


Chaos Boy just went to get me a glass of the wine:

DP: “Am I gonna want cheese with the wine?”

CB: “I don’t know. Do you like fromage with your elf taint?”

Then. After he tasted the wine…

CB: “Mmmmm. Elfin magic!”

Hahahaha! I really do have the best boy in the history of everdom.

Left To My Own Devices

Chaos Boy has an alter ego: Professor Awesome. When Professor Awesome is out doing his nocturnal knowledge spewing thing I, Danger Puppy, am free to get into trouble. Tonight “trouble” means “wine.” And when I get boozy, I tend to get muse-y. Here are some tidbits to improve your life:

1) If your kid is an asshole, it’s your duty as a parent to tell him/her. You can only model so much for your kids: some kids are thick. Showing is best, but telling is okay too.

2) If you’re angry with your significant other (because he put his umbrella in his t-shirt drawer?) and feel a fight brewing, take off your clothes. I dare you to see how long you can argue naked.

3) Pay close attention to the way your friends talk to you about other people. That’s exactly how they talk about you when you’re not around. 

4) Family is important, but so is your sanity. If someone is literally more trouble to you than he/she is worth, ask yourself whether he/she would be in your life at all if it weren’t for the blood your share. You’ll know what to do from there.

5) Turn your freaking headlights on when it’s rainy, foggy, or just not freaking light enough out for me to see your damn grey car.

6) Never take a chatty person hiking. 

7) There’s no shame in binge watching a show. In fact, lying on the couch like broccoli for two days watching an entire season of Bones is good for the soul.

8) Wine is like sex: it’s usually best when shared with someone…usually.

9) Not all lists have to have ten items.


That’s Just What I Douche!

Some months ago, I (Danger Puppy) gave Chaos Boy mad shit because of something really douchey he said to me in a text message. I had filled my BevMo (if you don’t know what that is, I’m so sorry for you) virtual shopping cart with a couple hundred dollars worth of various wines for Chaos Boy to pick up on his way home from work. It was the 5 cent sale where you buy one bottle and get the 2nd for a nickel, so I had gone a little cray-cray. Chaos Boy was at work (because somebody has to make some money to pay for wine) when he got the email from BevMo telling him what I’d ordered. (Did I mention that you order what you want online that is available at your local store and go pick it up in an hour without having to go find all the wine yourself? It’s brilliant!) Anywho, after he read the list of some things we’d bought before and some we hadn’t, he sent me what I contend is the most douchey text message ever to cross my Crackberry (yes, I still have one of those – don’t judge me): “I love a good Zin!”

Obviously, me being the kind of puppy that I am, I have given him hell about this ever since. Imagine his excitement when he thought he caught me at the exact type of douchery yesterday.

A couple of days ago my BFF Kat posted a pic on her Facebook of a delightful looking cocktail she was enjoying:


It’s a delightful mix of Dove Chocolate Martini Mix, Atomic Red Hot Vodka, and Half & Half (with her super gorgeous tree in the background – I’m beginning to suspect she may be Santa). Very festive! A conversation ensued about what her friends were drinking. (I was only drinking water. That’s important for you to know.) Can you spot the douchery?


Now, if you’re dumb and your initials are “C.B.” you might think I’m the douche here. I would argue that I am, in fact, a bitch not a douche. Becky (look. at. her. butt.) is the douchey one for using a regional Spanish name for Tempranillo (unless she is a master sommelier in which case I bow to her for her accomplishment) instead of just calling it what we peons call it. I, on the other hand, am 1) hilarious for using Chaos Boy’s douchey comment to point out someone else’s douchey comment, and b) really good at not-so-subtle only slightly veiled bitchiness.

Basically, I win. That’s just what I douche!

Of course, maybe I should have taken the advice of my other friend, The Mighty Zorn (and I paraphrase slightly here):

You don’t always have to go big or go home. Sometimes you should just go home.