In or Out?

<Last Night>

DP: I smell dirt. Or potatoes peels.

CB: <sniffs air> It does smell like freshly turned dirt.

DP: Like someones digging a grave?

CB: Or busting out of one.

DP: This is the third time tonight I’ve smelled it. Maybe there’s a serial killer burying bodies out there.

CB: Or the zombies are rising from their graves.

<At which point Chaos Boy walks to the window and loudly declares “Just so you know, I’ve got a gun.”>

DP: I’m more worried about a killer than there being zombies.

CB: If he’s burying them, that means he’s done killing. The zombies are just getting started.

Yep. I slept really well last night. Fucking zombies.

In case you wondered what Danger Puppy looks like. Chaos Boy’s on his own. That’s right: I’ve got THUMBS! Watch out, World!

Macy’s Just Doesn’t Quite Cut It

After a disappointing trip to Macy’s today to buy casual shirts, Chaos Boy decided to ask the Mall Concierge for help.

CB: Where do the gays shop? (That’s right: “gays,” not “guys.” He walked right up and asked that without so much as a “hello.”)

MC: Hillcrest. Google <insert zip code>.

CB: Um…thanks.

I overheard this exchange from the parking validation machine. Not wanting Chaos Boy to have a sad (and not wanting to go on a fucking quest for shirts that WERE NOT EVEN FOR ME, I approached the concierge.

DP: My husband (pointing at Chaos Boy) isn’t actually gay, more like gay adjacent…

I had to stop talking until the concierge stopped laughing and glancing from me to Chaos Boy. When I explained that what he meant when he asked for help was that he wanted some brightly colored shirts that buttoned and were preferably patterned, something Macy’s had somewhere between zero and zero of, our friendly mall concierge  saw the light and directed up to a couple of shops, one of which was Express where we met Gonzalo. It was a win all around. Chaos Boy found shirts. Gonzalo (the adorbs salesguy) got to make a sale. And I got to make Gonzalo laugh when I said I was “pretty sure” Chaos Boy is straight.

Don’t you just love shopping? And marriage? And hot pink shirts for men?

Super Hero Sound Effects

DP: I’m making a drawing of myself. Let me show you.

CB: <looks excited>

DP: See. I found this drawing and I’m gonna change it and put a dog’s head on it and make the costume color different so it’s Danger Puppy. I could make a Chaos Boy, too.

CB: <makes the Chaos Boy sound (with his mouth)>

DP: Ooooo! Yeah! I could find sound effects. Or just learn to fart a melody.

CB: <pats arm of crazy woman>

You Asked for It

Our friends are always saying we should start a blog about our life. Why? Why the fuck not, right?

If you were a fan of Seinfeld, you’ll frigging love this blog. It’s about nothing. We’re not training for a marathon. (I laughed a little just typing that.) We’re not checking shit off a bucket list. (We’re gonna live forever, bitches!) Nobody’s doing anything so altruistic that you’ll want to give $. (But if you have extra lying around…) Seriously, we’re just living our fabulous, crazy life.

You won’t find anything inspiring here. But you will laugh. You will shake your head in disbelief. You will find yourself saying, “No one is as adorable as Danger Puppy, except maybe Chaos Boy.” You may cry because you realize how boring you are compared to us. That’s okay. Just try harder to suck less.