There was no time for blogging on 11/22. We were far to busy getting our Catching Fire fix with our good friends. There is honestly nothing quite like seeing a movie you’ve been waiting on for years with awesome people while snuggled up in reclining leather loveseats with your honey. And there’s table service! That’s right: waiters bring you your popcorn…or burgers…or potstickers…or BEER. Yep. You can see a movie in a 21+ theater where there is full bar service.
See? Way to busy.
Apparently November is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). Admit it, you thought this was going to be about fellatio and Teletubbies. Ha! I wish! Alas it is not. But maybe this will be almost as much fun.
In the spirit of NaBloPoMo, I hereby pledge to post a blog every day this month. You’re welcome in advance.
Stay tuned. More importantly: share the blog with your friends. And for that, I thank you in advance.
See how wonderfully symbiotic our relationship is? (You, the one looking all confused, go look up “symbiotic” if you need to. We’ll all wait right here.)
Chaos Boy has an alter ego: Professor Awesome. When Professor Awesome is out doing his nocturnal knowledge spewing thing I, Danger Puppy, am free to get into trouble. Tonight “trouble” means “wine.” And when I get boozy, I tend to get muse-y. Here are some tidbits to improve your life:
1) If your kid is an asshole, it’s your duty as a parent to tell him/her. You can only model so much for your kids: some kids are thick. Showing is best, but telling is okay too.
2) If you’re angry with your significant other (because he put his umbrella in his t-shirt drawer?) and feel a fight brewing, take off your clothes. I dare you to see how long you can argue naked.
3) Pay close attention to the way your friends talk to you about other people. That’s exactly how they talk about you when you’re not around.
4) Family is important, but so is your sanity. If someone is literally more trouble to you than he/she is worth, ask yourself whether he/she would be in your life at all if it weren’t for the blood your share. You’ll know what to do from there.
5) Turn your freaking headlights on when it’s rainy, foggy, or just not freaking light enough out for me to see your damn grey car.
6) Never take a chatty person hiking.
7) There’s no shame in binge watching a show. In fact, lying on the couch like broccoli for two days watching an entire season of Bones is good for the soul.
8) Wine is like sex: it’s usually best when shared with someone…usually.
9) Not all lists have to have ten items.
🙂
Last night, prompted by a situation involving his kuntly (DP-ism) ex-wife, Chaos Boy drank over half a fifth of Bitch-Be-Gone, aka “Bulleit Rye and shame.” Not surprisingly, chaos ensued. (I should mention now that I, Danger Puppy, was in full possession of my faculties as I had consumed only water and self-righteousness.)
First I’d like to let it be known that I’m a hero. I literally saved CB’s life. There was a spider having a bit of a frolic above a bookcase in The Lair. CB is the designated “Spider Slayer” because I am a tremendous titbag. When I pointed out the spider, CB started to get up to kill it (meaning flush it while saying “go see Jesus”). I did a quick calculation involving the height the spider was at, the angle at which CB would have to reach, and how much liquor was left in the decanter (in my head y’all = amazeballs) and arrived at a frightening conclusion: STEP LADDER! In spite of my love of life insurance, I pulled CB back onto the couch. You see? HERO! (Also, I took that bitch ass spider out myself when he started drifting toward my Dooneys.)
It wasn’t until we were getting ready to head up to bed that I realized CB was the drunkest I’d ever seen him. He came out of the downstairs bathroom and ran into the wall. I made an executive decision at that point: he should go up the stairs ahead of me in case he lost his tenuous control over gravity. This was a great idea until I told him I wouldn’t have to do these things if he hadn’t “gone Irish,” at which point I called him “Drunky O’Shitfaced.” He was laughing so hard he had to stop halfway up the stairs. In keeping with the Irish theme, he danced a naked jig when we got to our room. (Not a result of drunkenness. He has done this many times. Far. Too. Many.)
The final straw came when he started laughing so hard while trying to take an allergy pill that I thought he might choke. That was my cue to shut down the antics. Again, I’m a fan of life insurance, but I don’t really want to be collecting any time soon.
This morning he wouldn’t cop to having a hangover, but he did say that was the last time I’d be seeing him that drunk. 😉
=========
Update on the umbrella: it was in his t-shirt drawer. Yeah, honey. Cuz that’s where it goes.
We haven’t been here in a very long time. It’s been a stressful year, but you’re a smart audience. You got that from the fact that one of us has “Chaos” in his name.
We’ve been told that our wit has been missed. In the spirit of, well, brightening your spirit, we present an actual email exchange we had this morning:
Danger Puppy to Chaos Boy (and Winky the House Elf)
“Looked in car, trunk, bags, boxes, bins, garment bag: no sign of black umbrella. Please check your bags and brains.”
Chaos Boy to Danger Puppy
“Did you look in the shelf boxes in our room?”
Danger Puppy to Chaos Boy
“No, because I know I’m not a dumbass, and I trust that you aren’t either. ;-)”
Chaos Boy to Danger Puppy
“I think I may disappoint you.”
—————–
Hehehe! We crack me up.
We’re back, bitches!
Chaos Boy reporting from a remote secret location…
A few days ago, Danger Puppy posted about my epic fail while birthday shopping. It’s true that I purchased a Dooney and Bourke bag to add to her growing collection (she isn’t quite the Imelda Marcos of Dooney, but she’s working on it). I was careful enough to have it shipped to my lair so she wouldn’t see it and everything. As soon as I clicked “Complete Order” I realized that my D&B account is linked to HER email. She got the email confirmation.
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Oh well, one more gifting surprise ruined (as she noted, I had done the exact same thing last year for Christmas).
Or, was it?
What she didn’t know was that the week before, I had also purchased a purple iPod Nano to go with it. She had been ogling my iPod ever since I got it and I figured she would want one. My AppleID is NOT linked to her email. MUAHAHAHAHA! :{D
I allowed Danger Puppy to wallow in her super smartitude calling me the unstealthiest ninja ever.
When she opened her bag and saw the iPod slipped in the inside pocket of it, she squealed with delight!
That’s right, bitches. I am the Sensei (which is Japanese for HMFWAIC) of the Elite Diversionary Tactics Squad of Super Ninjas. You may THINK you see me coming, but you’d better check your six!
God Mode activated
So today is our 4th wedding anniversary (pause for applause…thank you – please be seated). We had a lovely lunch at our favorite spot where we enjoyed some wine and even cake. Huzzah!
Why, you may ask, would a wild girl like Danger Puppy have even married nerdy Doctor Chaos Boy? Let me direct your attention to Exhibit A (okay, it’s the only exhibit):
Ten minutes ago in the parking lot at 7-11 (pronounced “sebben lebben”)
CB: So what do you want? A Karen Carpenter?
DP: <laughing> Yep.
He totally pulled that one out of his ass, but I knew right away that “Karen Carpenter” was Chaos-Speak for “diet suicide.”
And now you understand.
BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEPP! This is a special blog entry.
CB Reporting from onsite at IHOP…
Don’t fucking judge us; today is cheat day, and we had the Simple & Fit Whole Wheat Pancakes with Blueberries.
F.U. Strong letter to follow.
<Dude walks in with Chick wearing last night’s impossibly short shorts>
And yes, Dr. Cooper, by “impossibly” I mean “improbably.”
STOP JUDGING ME!
aaaaaaaand scene …
DP: Wow. Just wow.
CB: Yeah, I’m pretty sure breakfast was part of the negotiation for a full night rate.
Chick: I think I’ll have the oatmeal.
Dude: No. You should get something with meat that will get you all full. I don’t want you to eat all my peanut butter
DP: Seriously? The best thing is that he wasn’t worried that she’d eat all the food he had. He was worried about his peanut butter. Clearly, all he HAS is peanut butter!
Chick: DUDE!
(yes, she really addressed him as “Dude”)
Chick: We should TOTALLY give blood!
Dude: I don’t think ANYONE wants our blood – especially after last night.
Chick: Noooooo. They give you free movie tickets if you give blood.
Dude: I’ve never heard of that. I don’t think that’s true.
Chick: It’s totally true. I have a friend and she was telling me about it. She gave blood and asked “Hey, do you have any of those free movie tickets?” and they said “Yeah, I think we still have some of those.” It’s REAL, but they don’t advertise, so you have to ask for them.
The best part of all this, is that IHOP now offers entertainment! Pancakes AND a show! What could be better?
Of course, Danger Puppy was washing her cute little paws when this all went down, so I had to relay all this to her.
DP: Now I don’t feel so bad about rolling pennies to buy beer in college. Forget selling plasma. If you’re trading blood for movie tickets, you are seriously broke as hell. She’s gonna hate that bus ride of shame back home (cause we all know she don’t have a damn car).”
I EFFING LOVE CHEAT DAY!
Danger Puppy’s best friend, Kat, can’t keep a secret to save her life, a fact Chaos Boy LOVES to point out. Last year, Kat swore Chaos Boy to secrecy about a visit she was planning only to later tell Danger Puppy all about it anyway. But she tries. And she knows her limitations. Unlike some people.
Today Danger Puppy received an unexpected email from Dooney & Bourke (did I just hear angels singing?) containing an order confirmation. Now, Danger Puppy doesn’t take Ambien (although she did pop a flexeril at bedtime last night), so she probably wasn’t sleep-shopping (It’s a thing, y’all. Google that shit!). But she was on dooney.com (cue angels) earlier today looking at their new line of Pearly Python bags (and drooling – don’t judge). So when the aforementioned email arrived DP’s warm little puppy heart nearly stopped. Let’s go now to a recording taken from Danger Puppy’s brain at the moment of email impact:
WTF? I just got an email from Dooney like an hour ago. Oh wait. That says “Your dooney.com Order Confirmation.” Oh shit! OMFG! What did I do? Please tell me I did not accidentally buy a $468 bag. <clicks to open> “Thank you for shopping with Dooney & Bourke.” Oh shit. I did. <scrolls down, sees husband’s name, is still afraid because she always uses his information for online shopping, sees shipping address is Chaos Boy’s lair/office, nearly pees pants laughing>
That’s right, folks. Someone bought a bag (NOT the $468 one – whew!). I won’t say who, but his initials are “C.B.” and had it shipped to himself because someone thinks he’s ‘neaky. That someone would be wrong. He is hilariously NOT ‘neaky (except for that secret trip to Hawaii last year – mad props for that one!). He is without question the unstealthiest ninja. What’s even better is that he’s done the exact same thing before.
Let this story be a lesson to you all. No matter how together someone seems on the outside, you can bet he has a flaw. Sorry ladies. Danger Puppy already snagged the one guy whose flaw is buying her stuff.
We had just dropped Winky (yes, she’s a house elf) off at school this morning and were on our way to Chaos Boy’s lair/office when…
CB: Ooo! Seahorse! (A decorative one on a house, not lying in the road. This isn’t Spongeturd NoPants!)
DP: I never noticed that before. But I’m usually driving when I come through here. I’m too busy watching out for crazies so I don’t die.
CB: And you’re too busy watching out for Joe when I’m driving. (“Joe” is what I say when I see a pedestrian, usually a jaywalker. When startled, I talk about as well as a dog with a mouthful of peanut butter. I had to find a go-to word to blurt out.)
DP: I have a serious fear of hitting a pedestrian or a cyclist. They just come out of nowhere.
<Ten minutes later, texting Chaos Boy from the Dog House>
DP: Almost hit a pedestrian. :0
CB: Oh no! Poor puppy. Damn you, Joe!
DP: Saw her at the corner. Thought she was something covered with a blue trash bag. Nice poncho, bitch!
CB: Oh wow.
DP: In other news, Tom (our neighbor) is apparently musical. I saw him loading a keyboard in his car.
CB: Wow, multitalented. Brewmaster, golfer, moosical. Man of mystery.
DP: Guess we know who was burying bodies the other night.
CB: Yup.
That’s it right there. THAT is why we’re married.
The Adventures of Danger Puppy & Chaos Boy 